Copenhagen - Part 5

Monday, February 19, 2007 – Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The days are becoming rather routine and mundane, so I haven't seen the need to write in this journal daily. Perhaps I should be more disciplined, but oh well. Monday was pretty laid back, until the end of the day. We were scheduled to have our meeting with Nedret at 4pm, but she claimed it wasn't on her calendar, and we would have to wait. So we wait until after 5pm. Then we sat there, and hashed out this program agenda, but it devolved into a discussion that sounded like strategic planning for the next five years. They also wanted to micromanage the exact content of the talks after agreeing upon the topics. I did not get out of there until after 6:30pm. Considering that should have been my day off for President's Day, I was none too thrilled.

Tuesday, I was greeted by news of the Communique from the Primates meeting of the Anglican Communion in Tanzania. I have lamented completely on this topic already, and I will likely keep doing so as events unfold. However, it is unnecessary to rehash it here. Just know that much of Tuesday for me, other than revising that program draft, was dealing with the emotional reaction I had to the communiqué and what it means.

I came back to the hotel to wait for my mom to call. She had promised to call during her lunch, and I ended up falling asleep. She did not call until about 8pm, which is 2pm in Lexington. Her new job is going well, although she is nervous that she won't regain her computer skills. I do not think that will be a problem, but she will have to get past her nerves.

Wednesday, I awoke to snow. It was coming down fairly steadily and with lots of wind. As the day progressed, the snow kept coming down, and the winds gusted to 30 mph. I had thought of going to Ash Wednesday service at the one Anglican church in Denmark, but decided against it. The public transportation (buses, trains, etc) stopped working as the storm grew worse after dark, so I made the right call. At one point, the wind knocked the umbrella I was using as a shield against my forehead and cut it. Once I made into my room, I stayed put.

Wednesday also saw my first P-staff meeting. It was interesting to watch. Nedret runs it like school marm. She is barely prepared herself, but goes after others. One guy, who I think does surveillance (his name is Andrian) was just savaged. Something about a list of contacts in countries, and the way she talked to him openly in the meeting about, it was obvious she felt he was too stupid to figure out how to make sure he had the right list. It probably did not help that he is obviously scared of her, and it was very much like watching an abused dog get scolded. If he had been a dog, he would have submissively peed on the floor. I don't mean to sound like I am making a joke. Then another guy tried to throw Eric under the bus on some issue by bringing up Eric's terms of reference. I later found out from Jim that there is history there, and that this guy used to be Nedret's favorite whipping boy until he learned to fit back and go after others. Now Nedret leaves him alone in meetings. It is a very interesting management style to watch, especially after working in AFRO. AFRO is much more in your face about things. This place is hierarchal, but it tries to give the illusion of being collaborative. Both require people who are willing to stand up for themselves and not take crap, even from supervisors. It is a very interesting dynamic indeed. I am amazed that WHO gets anything done with this kind of management practice.

Thursday, February 22, 2007 – Sunday, February 25, 2007

What a weekend this has been. I finally got the basic program for the program managers meeting approved and sent out. This means they have now committed themselves to this basic outline, although details can be tweaked. The aftermath of the snowstorm meant that much of the city shut down for the morning. I was surprised to discover that Copenhagen really does not get that much snow. The kind of snowstorm we had this week was rare, and getting that much snow in one day made everything, including the trains, shut down for a while. But the plows and the salt were applied quickly, and by midmorning, things were moving again. Since I walk to work, I did not have to worry about having a car snowed in. The 30 mph winds coming off the sea cut through your clothes and were quite nasty, to say the least.

Friday, we started to discuss who would present what presentations for the meeting. It is nice to attach names to things. We also went over the responses we have received, and it will soon be time to start badgering the laggards who have not responded. Things are moving nicely in that regard.

I left just after lunch to go to downtown Copenhagen and change out my paper ticket for the trip back to Atlanta. That was quite an ordeal. First, the poor Delta people here are using an archaic DOS-based system for reservations. I could not believe they forced them to use that! I thought Delta would surely have long ago moved to a web-based system, or at least a graphics based interface. Apparently, the Atlanta people have just moved for a web based system, but the foreign offices have not. No wonder Delta went bankrupt if they haven't even updated their reservation system!

The poor girl had to call for help, and it took over an hour for them to figure out how to get the computer to make the change that had been entered. Eventually, though, they did get it done, and I am set with my new ticket home on March 28. I did not approach the question of using miles to upgrade to first class, but I will try later J

After the ticket change adventure, I stopped by Hard Rock Café for lunch. I just felt like eating a good old fashioned American hamburger. The lunch was nice, and when I paid with my credit card, the server came back to ask me if I had gone to Virginia Tech since my Visa is branded with Virginia Tech. I told him I had, and he said that he had gone there too, graduating in 1999 with a marketing degree. We were on campus at the same time, since I graduated in 1997. He lived in Pritchard though, and quickly moved off campus his sophomore year. It was really cool to run into a fellow Hokie in Copenhagen. How random is that? Turns out, this guy's dad is Danish, so he came back to get an international marketing degree at the university here.

Next, I walked around downtown some and ducked into some pubs for drinks. Through a random series of events, I met this really cute Danish guy named Ole. The pronunciation is nothing like it looks in spelling. It is a very Danish name, and it is pronounced "Oooooooo-luh" Kind of like saying moo without the m and a quick "luh" at the end. This oooooooo sound is quite important in the Danish language, although I have trouble with it. But when Ole told me to think of the sound a cow makes, and take away the m, I got it. That trick has been quite useful.

Anyway, Ole is from Odense, which is about an hour by train to the east of Copenhagen. Copenhagen is on the island of Zealand, and Odense (the 3rd largest city in Denmark) is on the island between Zealand and the Jutland, which attaches to Germany at the northern tip of Europe. Ole is an artist, and he teaches children in grades 1-3 in an after school enrichment program. I will have to post pictures of him.

The evening progressed, and it became obvious that Ole and I were clicking quite well. We were sitting in Copenhagen's oldest gay bar, talking and eventually making out like a pair of horny teenagers. Those of you who know me realize how unusual that was. I am not a PDA type of person, and I usually don't appreciate people making out in public. But I am in a foreign country, and it happened. I also did not care. J

Being with him, it was like everyone in the room disappeared but the two of us. I have not had this kind of connection with someone in a VERY long time. It was very nice, and very dizzying. I had forgotten what it was like to make a connection like this, and I did not want it to end. Plus, Ole is an extremely good kisser.

Of course, there were complications. Ole had just been dumped by this guy three weeks ago that he was crazy about, and he has been going through a 30 yr old crisis. You know, the crisis when you realize you are no longer growing up but a full fledged adult, and take stock of your life in light of that. He is 30 yrs old, so it makes sense for him to go through this now. He had spent his week of winter vacation visiting friends in Copenhagen and also intensely analyzing his life. There was also the relatively unspoken reality that connection or not, I live in Atlanta and will be returning there in a month, and he lives an hour outside of Copenhagen.

We ended up closing the bar we were at, and then I just invited him to come back to Hellerup with me. He agreed at first, but as we crossed a plaza close to the train station, he changed his mind. He said he was sorry, but he could not get excited about someone from Atlanta, and he needed to get on with his life (English from non-native speakers can be quite blunt, I have discovered.). He thanked me for a wonderful evening, shook my hand, and said goodbye.

We had spent the past 8 hours together, talking about anything and everything. We ate, drank, kissed, and had a great time. While I understood where he was coming from, I had the sudden thought that I might never see him again. That this one evening, this one tremendous, wonderful, and magical evening, would be all that I would get. I am not ashamed to say that my eyes filled with tears. On the one hand, I had met a remarkable person and made a great connection. It is a connection I have not been able to make in Atlanta, and that I had wondered if I would ever make again. But the one person I make this connection with is someone who lives in the middle of Denmark and with whom I would, at best, have 4 weeks to get to know.

It was like God was teasing me. He was giving me a taste of the prize, but snatching it away just as quickly. I was grateful for the experience, but I resented how it was presented. Why couldn't it be with someone with whom there was a real chance that a relationship could bloom? What was the point of having me meet someone wonderful who lives a half world away from me?

To make matters worse, I discovered the trains stop running by 1am. The train station was dark, and I was alone, unsure how I would get back to the hotel. I made my way to the main train station where a taxi queue had formed, and I managed to get home that way. It cost me 200 kroner, which is about $50, but it beat walking all night. By the time I got to the hotel, it was 3:15am. Louie had left me a message to call him when I got back, but I figured he did not mean at 3am.

I could not sleep, and I was still soaring internally and aching at the same time over my evening with Ole. I so wished he had wanted to come back to the hotel with me. Even if it was just one night, it would have been wonderful. Of course, it would have only deepened my connection with him, but I didn't care about that.

I logged into the gay chat site here called boyfriend.dk. I had given Ole my contact information, and he had left me a message. He was sorry he ran off, and wanted to see me again. I messaged him back to ask if he really meant it. He immediately IMed me a response that he did, and he felt so stupid for walking away. He wanted to see me now. Was it possible for me to come back downtown?

At 3am, Hellerup is dead. The only reason a taxi would be there was from dropping someone off at my hotel. I told him the only way I could make it back downtown was to walk, and that would take several hours. I again told him he was welcome to come to my hotel. At this point, he agreed. He said he needed me that night, and in my heart of hearts, I was glad to see him type that. I told him where I was, and he was off to find a taxi.

He arrived just as he said he would, a half hour after signing off. He had better luck finding a taxi than I had earlier. I waited for him in the lobby, and took him up to my room. I will not go into details, but let us say it was just a very nice night. Although the single beds in my room are definitely NOT built for two. I did not rest very well, and neither did he, but just being with him was so very nice.

We finally got up around noon, and we continued talking more. It was during this time, that he asked me a question which gave me a revelation about my problem in the dating world. I forget the question he asked me, but it was pretty direct, and the answer just came tumbling out of my mouth. Then I realized what I had said and realized, "My God, that is what I have been doing!"

I had my heart broken badly in 1998, first by Morgan, and then on the rebound from him by Clarke (this is the guy who told me to do myself and the world a favor and commit suicide). Along with other factors (parents divorced that year, sold my childhood home - which messed me up more than I ever thought it would, and I lost my job), I tumbled into a very deep depression. This depression was a very dark hole, and it is a place I never EVER want to return. I do not know how many times a person can successfully come back from that kind of low, and I do not want to test it.

I realized that since 1998, I have been so fearful of being hurt like that again and falling into that kind depression (especially in light of my dad's suicide in 2001), that I have built a wall around my heart without realizing it. I will let someone in only so much. I am pretty open, and I have very close friends...so it is not like I shut myself off completely ... but there is an inner core, an inner vulnerability that I am afraid to expose. I am afraid because I know what can happen, and facing that kind of depression and heartache again frightens me so much, I have behaved in ways to be sure that does not happen. It is why I settled for Richard when I knew I did not love him passionately in the way a partner is supposed to love his man. I have been wholly unwilling to make myself vulnerable and to risk the heartache.....even though I know that in order to feel the joy, I must also be open to the possibility of pain. It is not guaranteed that I will be heartbroken, although I have acted like it is. So that was my big revelation this weekend.

Of course, now that I have identified the problem, the question is what to do about it. I decided to start this weekend with Ole and be open with him. I had to force myself to be vulnerable to him, to risk being hurt by him. At the very least, it would be good practice with someone who is relatively safe because of the mere fact of where we live. So he and I talked about this, and we also talked about the dual nature of a romantic relationship. You need not only the physical but the friendship component. You need to have a solid friendship, and things in common for a relationship to work. I had succeeded in making sure my friendships and emotional connections were far away from my physical connections. Marrying the two scared me so badly because of my last experience with it, that I had subconsciously been behaving in ways to make sure they stayed separate. Yet, that has left me alone and dissatisfied with my life. For Ole, he had pursued only the physical, and he wanted more than that.

We spent most of Saturday together too, sitting in a coffee shop, talking and watching people walk by on the Stroget below. It was around 9pm when we parted - me for Hellerup, and him for Odense. I made him promise me that he would write, and he did make that promise. Parting, I did not feel like I had the night before, where I thought I would never see him again. I am confident that I will. But I hoped it sooner rather than later.

I have no idea where this experience with Ole will lead. I know that I should not fall for him, since I am not moving to Copenhagen nor is he going to come to the United States. There is no logical way for the relationship to grow, but at the same time, I am here another month. I am here in Denmark now, and there is a connection with this man that I cannot deny, and I want to experience as much as possible, even if for a short period of time. And who knows where it could lead down the road. But I feel like he is a gift, and someone from whom I will learn a good deal about myself. It is why I cannot just let him go as a pleasant weekend memory of Copenhagen.

Sunday, I awoke, had some breakfast, and came back to nap. I was still tired from the lack of sleep on Friday night. I set the alarm for 1:30pm so that I could get ready for lunch at Jim Z's place. He came by to pick up myself and Denise. His house was neat. On the outside it does not look like much. Just a brown box, obviously built in the 1970s. However, it is on the water and the view is spectacular.

I had a great time at Jim's home. He wife is delightful. They are such cool people, and his kids were nice too. They had some of their friends over. Nina and Magnus are an American and Swedish couple. Magnus is a financier who works for a bank, and his wife is American. They were really cool people. We had a blast talking about politics, the Young Dems of Georgia, and a whole variety of topics. I had a rhubarb pie that had cherries in it and was delicious. We were returned to the hotel around 7pm, and I mixed up some soup packets I had bought from 7-11 as my dinner. I eventually was able to fall asleep, marveling at what a weekend it had been.